Shoddy syntax for a good laugh
The University of Pittsburgh’s School of Education recently circulated examples of slightly shoddy syntax — all said to have been sentences from letters received by the Welfare Department from applicants for support money.
“I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one child, which was baptized on half a sheet of paper.”
“I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
“Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.”
“I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?”
“This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it?”
“Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can’t eat or do anything until he knows.”
“I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.”
“In answer to your letter. I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.”
“I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.”
“ My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since.”
“Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.”
“You have changed by little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?”
“I have no children as yet my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.”
“In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.”
“I want my money as quick as I can get it. I’ve been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things don’t change, I will have to send for another doctor.”
“Please tell me what Feminine Hygiene is because I think I have it.”
— From the Ohio Psychologist
